Lurching toward Enlightenment

Dispatch from the Land of Old Souls

(Subscribers and Pledgees: Please read my note at the bottom.)

Sometimes I grow older gradually. Maybe I need a slightly stronger eyeglass prescription or I can only walk two and a half miles instead of 3. Those are the times I think I’m aging gracefully, having ample time to adjust my attitude to embrace the few extra wrinkles in my life in exchange for increased compassion for my hard-won acceptance.

But then there are those other times. Like today when I got older in a lurch. Yesterday I had breezed through those miles. Today my hip decided to go on strike. We negotiated a settlement and instead of walking, I took the tram. Yesterday I jumped out of my seat when an older woman with a cane boarded. Today, when I boarded, an older woman with a cane jumped out of her seat for me.

Today was the day when, with the exception of that one woman, I was the oldest woman on the tram, the oldest woman in the coffee shop, the oldest woman in the grocery store and the oldest woman on the street. I’m only 76, mind you, which begs the question: where are all the people older than me? (I know, I know. A bunch are on cruises, in yoga class and strolling hand in hand with their spouses through their vineyard.) But this much I know: in our communal march to the finish line, on this particular day in this particular neighborhood, they’d abandoned their post leaving me, alone, on the front lines.

Perhaps this is a temporary lurch, the result of having done too much yesterday in shoes chosen for fashion instead of comfort. But it doesn’t feel that way. It feels more like a waking up to the truth of the matter, which is that even if I think I still look and feel somewhere between 40 and 60, that was at best 16 years ago. A lot happens in 16 years, let alone 76, and unless I carefully position the specially tinted klieg light correctly when I look in the mirror, it shows.

I am, for better or worse, a big believer in facing reality rather than denying it. I trust the developmental life cycle and believe that old is a stage with meaning and purpose of its own. I know that pain is an opportunity for spiritual growth and that there will be a big pay-off in the end for the hit my ego is taking in terms of increased humility and spiritual freedom. But still, does it really have to be this hard?

Fussiness aside, this is not my first lurch. In fact, this is kid’s stuff compared to the last one a couple of years ago that began with a loose sidewalk cobblestone while vacationing in Nova Scotia and ended up in an ER  being rolled out in a wheelchair for an emergency flight home. Despite several successful surgeries, a year of rehab and a surprisingly upbeat attitude, the incident still took some of the stuffing out of me, which I’m beginning to realize may never be fully recovered. The surprising thing is just how well one can actually do without all of one’s stuffing.

I would not have believed it of myself, who once upon a time knew there was no challenge too great to be overcome. In truth, I have actually come to love the little me who after a feeble attempt or two to regain control, curls up in God’s gentle embrace that has only been shown to be more loving and dependable with every lurch.

And so it is, today, even in the midst of the shock of recognition, I can accept one of the gifts of advancing age: that one can finally come to transit a lurch with not so much outright panic or despair as a mild case of fussiness.

To which I say “amen.”

NOTE TO SUBSCRIBERS: Carol Orsborn from Spiritual Aging at Substack is now my primary platform. During a transition period, as a courtesy to those of my faithful who haven’t switched over from Carol Orsborn at Older, Wiser, Fiercer (via Mailchimp) yet, I am continuing to post select blogs to the original mailing list, as well. If you are subscribed to both and would prefer not to receive duplicates of my posts, when this blog comes through to you a second time Wednesday from Mailchimp, please use the unsubscribe from this list option at the bottom of that post. Thanks for your understanding!